I can still almost see and feel
myself on a cool evening early in the summer of 1977 wrapped in a blanket and
lying on top of the roof while my sister made out with her boyfriend in the car
below me. The hairs on the back on my head stood on end from the first
triumphant cords blaring across the drive in. My eyes were locked on the screen
as the bright yellow words scrolled towards the top of the screen... "In a
galaxy far, far, away...." I have watched Star Wars so many times that I
could pretty much retell the entire story with most of its details from memory.
From nearly forty years ago I can still almost feel the rush of fear and
excitement that I felt when very early in the movie a black mechanical
nightmare coalesced out of the smoke, followed by probably the most memorable
movie sound effect of all time, the slow rasping breathing of a nightmare. From
that moment on and for the rest of my life, Star Wars was not just a movie, it
was a part of me. It inspired my imagination like nothing else ever has. Yes,
it's true, I love Star Wars. And I was there to see its beginning. I was there
in the crowd as the magic was revealed to the world. I am not second or third
generation like so many fans. I am a member of that pioneer class. Because of
my love for Star Wars from the very beginning I feel almost obligated to
comment on the recent amazing development of George Lucas handing the keys to
his galaxy over to Mickey Mouse.
While Star Wars, The Empire Strikes
Back and Return Of The Jedi had a few small issues they were easy to overlook. After
16 years of waiting to see more Episode I and the following two movies had some
serious problems:
Episode I – Immaculate Conception by
the force! Really George? Really? I mean beyond the obvious offensiveness to
Christianity is this really the creative genius that gave us swords of pure
light that in the right hands were effect weapons against laser guns? Not
particularly original George. Then in an attempt to gain an even wider fan base
he includes a character that is so universally hated that Jar Jar only
supporters are wives who previously thought Star Wars was unique to a DOD
initiative. Truly I have never know a “good” character to have instilled such
instate hatred from the first moment they opened their mouth. There is Anakin’s
infinite goody two shoes nature. Gee George are you attempting to make a
contrast between Anakin and the future Darth Vader? Guess I missed that…. NOT! Finally
we have the badest Sith warrior this side of the Hapes Cluster. So bad that a
single lightsaber is not enough to keep him busy, no this dude needs a dual
bladed staff. He tears through good guys like …. Well like a lightsaber through
warm butter. So how is this ultimate bad beaten? By 100 Jedi Masters? By a
super laser blowing up the planet he is on? Nope, by a Jedi Padawan who hacks
him in half while Darth Maul stands by picking his teeth.
Episode II – Hayden Christensen…. ‘nough
said. But really, after seeing some wicked cool lightsaber fighting in Episode
I including flips, force jumps and dual bladed sabers, Episode II cranks up the
action with a Dark Jedi actor who is older than the slime between Jabba’s fat
rolls. So George how do we make it look cool? Oh, oh, I know lets have them
fight under a partially broken disco ball so we can’t see how un-athletic Darth
Geritol is. But hey at least we get to see a Jedi fight with two lightsabers,
well at least for the three seconds that he gets to keep his real arms. Then
there is Yoda’s big fight scene. I’m guessing that George got his inspiration
for this scene from the time he let his 3 year old grandson drink 2 Red Bulls
in a row then chased them down with a couple of Pixie Sticks.
Episode III – YES! More Hayden Christensen,
I can’t contain my joy. I love R2-D2, but it is pretty sad when he tears
through the bad guys better than 2 Jedis combined. So Mace Windu can take the
Emperor down but Yoda gets his butt kicked by him? That’s almost sacrilegious. Speaking
of which, Master Yoda the ultimate Force master, light or dark, tucks his
proverbial tail between his little green legs and exiles himself after little
more than a draw with the Emperor. So basically Yoda decides that somehow he
can help and protect the galaxy the most by running off to hide by himself for
many years. So much for serve and protect. I think George found himself trapped
in the inconsistent timing of his own story. At the end of Episode III we see
Anakin who can be mid twenties at the most, Ben Kenobi has to be 30 to 35. Less
than twenty years later Luke Skywalker, still a teenager meets both Darth Vader
and Obi-wan who have somehow aged 30 or 40 years in the same amount of time.
So in the end my two cents worth is
that some fresh blood might just breath so new life back in to the world that
Lucas has let grow stale while living off the unbelievable profits that the
franchise has generated. Disney has the resources to make any new movies epic.
Let’s just pray they don’t turn it into a musical with the cast of Disney
Junior as the future Jedis.
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